The truth is I never got to fully unravel the lifetime of wounds and grief which led to this decision.

this is the most important line on this entire page, the rest is transitory, myopic without much greater context. Disregard it, it is simply a culmination of a lifetime of unprocressed grief, guilt and shame.

I'm sorry this note is so sad.

beauty does exist, love exists, connection exists. Im sorry if this is arrogant.

Obsessions are ceaseless, merciless, insidious, cruel. This combination of constant physical and emotional torture are too much to go through again. Somatic symptoms feel like choking, drowning and asphyxiation.

Also I wanted a face tattoo.

I just can't take the loss anymore.

Parts may be unfair.

I would just want people to be helped more effectively than I was.

A lot of the cptsd was to do with homophobia, transphobia, abandonment, invisibility, complete emotional neglect and abuse. 

Please look up Peter levine, somatic experiencing and titration. Grief.

I Want to feel the emotions

I Want to feel the people I loved and cared about and lost 

I want them to have meant something.

Not be lost in a blur

I deserve to be able to feel the grief

I wish the world didn't rob me of a mother.

If I'm to be deprived of those that I love, then I at least deserve to feel the loss. I at least deserve to appreciate the memories of those that cared for me. To grieve the tragedy, the mistakes I made, the heartbreak and remember the sincerity I had. 

Freeze is cruel.

Fuck intellectualisation

Create Your Own Website With Webador